A White Dress and a Wary Heart

I'm not claiming to know it all. But trust me. I know some things. Like the blow of exposing my hopes and dreams, weaknesses and failures to someone I love and trust, only to be told I don't quite make the cut. I know the anger from hearing my father tell us he hadn't been faithful to our mother after over twenty-five years of marriage. I've felt the angst of breaking a heart, watching his world collapse, and the heavy weight of knowing that it was all my fault. I've given all that I felt I could give only to be told that it just wasn't enough.

Ouch.

For the last two or three years I've lived in this mindset of feeling like there is absolutely no one I can trust with my heart. When I had a good relationship, I was the one to drive it into the ground, so sometimes it felt like I couldn't even trust myself. I've walked around in fear of ever being in another relationship because not only do dating relationships fall apart, but even marriages fail twenty, thirty, even forty years after "'til death do us part" is exchanged. I've repeatedly asked myself "What is the point?"

But guess what. I got married four months ago. You betcha, the girl that said she would NEVER get married got hitched.

So what about all of those questions? Don't worry, I'm not the world's biggest hypocrite. Every day it's a battle for me to not succumb to fear. Every day I have to remind myself to trust, remind myself that my husband is nothing short of a gift. I think there is a certain element of freedom that comes in being honest with myself about the fact that I don't have it all figured out, and that this whole relationship thing isn't all about me. I know that I am more than susceptible to failing or being failed in marriage. I'm well aware that I'm not perfect, neither is he, but together maybe we can help each other become better people, help each other live and love better than we did the day before.

I guess what I'm saying here is that there's hope. Relationships are scary and risky, ESPECIALLY marriage, but there's a certain beauty to be found in tackling those fears with someone who believes in who you are at the core, and you in them, regardless of all of the scars and fears we so ungracefully accumulate.

We'll be releasing Love, our episode on love, marriage, relationships, and trust on Friday, October 15, right here at fntv.com.